2008 Woodie Awards
Not Always as It Appears: Shomer Negiah, Culture, and YU
Dana Adler
Issue date: 8/24/08 Section: Opinion
Jumping to conclusions is not a new problem, nor is it endemic to the Jewish community. We all make judgments of others, many of which are based on outward appearances. However, awareness is the key to avoiding the mistake of making incorrect assumptions. One area in which many of us need to be made more aware is in the cultural department.
Cultural differences are abundant on the Beren campus. With many international students come many rich, new, and interesting customs. Among these are the ways that people greet one another. Allow me to share a story with you. One Friday night, I was hanging out with a friend in the Schottenstein lobby. She pointed out that one of the guys was cute. I happened to know him. He's a very sweet guy, an international student, who I see frequently learning with others and participating wholeheartedly in all the Shabbat activities. One of his female friends walked into the room, and gave him a kiss on both cheeks. He smiled back in greeting and then casually continued his conversation. My friend shrugged and said, "Oh well, there goes that idea. He's not frum." While I understood her point, I felt her immediate judgment of him and his commitment to Judaism was unwarranted. I cannot argue about the halakhic ramifications of his actions, as that is not my area of expertise. However, it is important for people to understand that this situation, where the man passively accepted a platonic kiss rather than embarrassing or otherwise hurting the feelings of his female friend, is no different from shaking the hand of a member of the opposite sex who clearly does not adhere to the strictest standards of shomer negiah [not touching a member of the opposite sex] in order to avoid causing him or her embarrassment. The problem is that in our Western culture, a kiss has certain symbolic and erotic connotations that a handshake does not. To judge another through the narrow lens of our own culture, however, is to judge unfairly and unfavorably. I vainly attempted to explain this to my friend, telling her that accepting a kiss on the cheek did not mean that the guy was not frum. Rather, he was merely trying to be as polite as possible. I then explained that a kiss on the cheek is the accepted "handshake" in many other cultures, especially Latin ones.
Cultural differences are abundant on the Beren campus. With many international students come many rich, new, and interesting customs. Among these are the ways that people greet one another. Allow me to share a story with you. One Friday night, I was hanging out with a friend in the Schottenstein lobby. She pointed out that one of the guys was cute. I happened to know him. He's a very sweet guy, an international student, who I see frequently learning with others and participating wholeheartedly in all the Shabbat activities. One of his female friends walked into the room, and gave him a kiss on both cheeks. He smiled back in greeting and then casually continued his conversation. My friend shrugged and said, "Oh well, there goes that idea. He's not frum." While I understood her point, I felt her immediate judgment of him and his commitment to Judaism was unwarranted. I cannot argue about the halakhic ramifications of his actions, as that is not my area of expertise. However, it is important for people to understand that this situation, where the man passively accepted a platonic kiss rather than embarrassing or otherwise hurting the feelings of his female friend, is no different from shaking the hand of a member of the opposite sex who clearly does not adhere to the strictest standards of shomer negiah [not touching a member of the opposite sex] in order to avoid causing him or her embarrassment. The problem is that in our Western culture, a kiss has certain symbolic and erotic connotations that a handshake does not. To judge another through the narrow lens of our own culture, however, is to judge unfairly and unfavorably. I vainly attempted to explain this to my friend, telling her that accepting a kiss on the cheek did not mean that the guy was not frum. Rather, he was merely trying to be as polite as possible. I then explained that a kiss on the cheek is the accepted "handshake" in many other cultures, especially Latin ones.
Viewing Comments 1 - 7 of 16
Moshe B
Moshe B
posted 9/05/08 @ 5:00 AM EST
If shomer negiah is a norm, why should that guy have allowed his norm to be violated in favor of preserving the other person's norm? This seems to be the first steps of assimilation. (Continued…)
mikewinddale
Mikha'el M.
posted 9/05/08 @ 5:26 AM EST
I think there is another factor we must keep account of:
It is an absolutely treacherous pitfall, to attempt to judge another. We cannot know where this individual is holding, what he has already overcome, where he is coming from, where he is going. (Continued…)
ConcernedAlum
posted 9/06/08 @ 11:34 PM EST
According to the Rambam kissing is an issur dorayta whether it is culturally considered erotic or not. Since illicit sexual behavior is one the the three sins that one must rather be killed than violate the author's assumption that violating this dorayta in order to avoid embaressing the individual is not clear at all
Dana
posted 9/07/08 @ 2:35 PM EST
In response to "concerned alum": kissing on the cheek does NOT fall into the category of an illicit relationship one must die for rather than commit. I believe you're talking about committing adultery or having an incestous relationship. (Continued…)
suleiman
posted 9/09/08 @ 3:59 PM EST
This is not such a simple issue. Some Sefardi poskim have said that there is a heter to kiss on the cheek, and it's probably not a good idea to judge someone in that situation. (Continued…)
Raquel Amram
Raquel Amram
posted 9/15/08 @ 8:53 PM EST
B"H
I just wanted to clarify, due to some concerns that I got regarding my quotes/ideas in this article, that I do NOT pretend to be a posek (chas vehalila!) and I did NOT mean to say that there is an halachik permission to kissing someone on the cheek and breaking the ideals of shomer negiah. (Continued…)
trah012
Hart Schwartz
posted 1/05/09 @ 11:56 AM EST
Why isn't it okay for this male student to actually enjoy being kissed on the cheek as a greeting? What the hell is so bad about that? I'm very confused by the extremely legalistic interpretation of a simple exchange of affection. (Continued…)
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